


the aftershocks live on

by starsandfluff



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gendrya - Freeform, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, arya has trauma from king's landing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-02 09:21:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19196050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandfluff/pseuds/starsandfluff
Summary: Arya tries to do what Sandor said and not become him, but she is still traumatized by the Battle of King's Landing. Gendry does his best to comfort her.





	1. breathe

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what this is. I know what anxiety is like, I just don't know how to put it in words (but if you're looking for that "It's Kind of a Funny Story" by Ned Vizzini is a great book). Anyway, this is your trigger warning in advance for panic attacks. I'm not sure why I wrote this but, I hope you like it!
> 
>  
> 
> title from "aftershocks" from Next to Normal (Brian Yorkey and Tom Kitt)

_ I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t do this, I can’t do this, something—everything’s wrong, everyone’s dead, she burned everything, I can’t do anything, I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I can’t see, I can’t breathe, there’s smoke, death, death everywhere, I— _

Arya woke up, gasping for air.  _ Everything’s wrong, everything’s wrong, why did I have to wake up, I don’t want to be awake, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t do this— _

“Hey, hey, you’re okay, breathe,” Gendry said, sitting up in bed. “you’re okay, you’re here,”  _ I can’t breathe, I don’t want to do this, why did I have to be there, why do I have to freak out about this, this so fucking stupid, why am I freaking out, this is stupid, I didn’t get hurt, I’m fine, this is so stupid— _

“I—” Arya gasped for air. The weight on her chest felt enormous. She could barely get the words out without going back to hyperventilating. Arya put out her open hand to Gendry and he gently placed his hand around hers. She squeezed it tightly before dry heaving.

“You’re going to be okay, you’re in bed, you’re here,” He said, handing her a glass of water.  _ This is stupid, this is stupid, this is stupid, I’m so fucking stupid— _

“I just—” She choked, dry heaving again before gasping for air. “I don’t know how to do this anymore,”

“We’ll figure it,” Gendry ignored the pain of her squeezing his hand, that didn’t matter, she mattered.

“I don’t—” Arya took another sip of water, snot and tears dripping down her face. “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know who I am anymore,”

“You’re Arya Stark,”

“I don’t know how to be Arya, I don’t know how to do anything, I don’t want to do this anymore,”

“Hey, hey, you’re not gonna lose yourself again. You have your pack, you have your family. You don’t have to know shit about the future, you just have to live, Arya,”  _ Live, live, choose life, how am I supposed to fucking do that, how am I supposed to just ‘choose life,’ I don’t know how to live, I learned how to survive, how am I supposed to do any of this, I just can’t, I can’t, I can’t—  _ “I’m here, Arya, I’m right here, I’m staying,”

“Don’t, don’t leave me,”

“I won’t leave you,”  _ Everyone’s gone, everyone’s dead, I thought I knew Death, but, but King’s Landing, everyone died, everyone I’ve ever loved has died, I don’t know how to live anymore, I only know Death.  _ “You hear those wolves outside, focus on that, focus on that,”

Arya breaths eventually slowed after a few minutes. She finished the glass of water, her hands shaking as she held the cup up to her lips. Arya stayed sitting up for a while. And, hesitantly, Gendry wrapped his arms around her, making sure she was okay with his touch, and he held her shaking body tight against his. He didn’t know what to do, or how to help her, but he wanted her to know that he was there and he cared. Arya couldn’t fall asleep after that, and Gendry stayed up with her, watching the sunrise.


	2. no fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arya feels awful about having to go to a feast, but she is required to be there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh more depressing stuff, how fun. All these chapters are pretty short, I think I'm almost done editing them (i wrote them all in one day). I really hope you like it, and how I've been trying to capture these feelings and symptoms into words, it had been a bit of a challege, I'm used to writing fluff.

“No fire,” Arya said firmly to Cass, a serving girl in Winterfell. Cass nodded and swiftly ducked out of Arya’s chambers.  _ “You want to be like me?”  _ Sandor had said to her. But it was too hard, she couldn’t handle it.  _ Just get it away from me.  _ She thought.

“Hey,” Gendry said, stepping in. “it’s freezing in here, why don’t you have a fire going?”

“I’m not cold,” Arya lied, squeezing her hands behind her back, trying to stop herself from shivering.

“Oh, well you grew up here. Anyway, are you coming to the feast didn’t Lady Stark say you have to?” He asked. Sansa was holding a feast for the finished rebuilding of Winterfell and their victory in King’s Landing, and she insisted Arya be there.  _ Why, Sansa, why? I really can’t do this today, not now.  _ Arya complained in her head.

“Yeah, in a bit,” She said. “You can go ahead,”  _ Don’t wait for me, I know you have stuff to talk about with Davos, I don’t mind.  _ Arya thought.  _ I love you, please don’t worry about me. I have it under control. I’ll have it under control. Eventually. _

“Okay,” Gendry said, confused, but not concerned, and he walked out. She fell backwards onto the bed and let go of the breath she didn’t know she was holding in.  _ I can do this, I can do this.  _ Arya repeated in her head. She took a long drink from the wineskin on her table and walked out the door.  _ I can’t do this. I can’t do this. This is stupid, why am I going. No, I have to do this. I have to do this. _

When Arya walked into the Great Hall, her eyes panned across the room, watching everyone. She saw Sansa sitting at the front table, a roaring fire behind her that made Arya take a deep breath. Sansa was talking to Lord Royce, she wouldn’t mind Arya’s absence at the table. Gendry and Davos were looking over some sketches, they were much too busy to mind. Arya looked up at the chandeliers, the candles flickering wildly, and she felt her heart quicken uncomfortably, feeling as if her organs didn’t fit inside her chest.. She walked towards the back of the hall, farthest from the fireplace, to sit by Brienne and Pod, taking a deep breath as she walked.

“My lady,” Pod said as she sat down.

“Just Arya, Pod,” Arya smiled at Brienne and started to eat.  _ Just one bite at a time, Arya, you need to eat.  _ She told herself, but her stomach felt tight and closed off. “I heard  _ someone _ was recently knighted,” Arya said, trying to make her voice sound normal. Podrick blushed and looked down.

“To Ser Podrick Payne,” Brienne said, raising her cup. The three of them all drank, Arya especially.  _ I don’t want to feel this.  _ Arya thought, as she forced herselft to drink more. The rest of the night went by slowly. Arya got by with minimal input to the conversation, Brienne and Podrick both eager to fill her in on what had happened at Winterfell while she was gone. Arya ate and drank as much as she could, not knowing if it would make her feel awful or stop her from feeling awful. And those types of nights and days followed for moons after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a lot of gendrya in this chapter, a little at the beginning, I am trying to make him seem like a good anchor in her life, and not a cause of her symptoms. Anyway, thank you all so much for reading this rather random of an idea. It's been really fun writing something other than a fluffy, little happy ending (tho I promise that is how this ends, the last chapter had no angst, i think), I think I'd like to try writing another fic with a similar tone to this one. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter!


	3. smile, be happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gendry returns to Winterfell after staying with Davos for a year. Arya has to drag herself out to see him, feeling oddly numb about their reunion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I held this one for a bit, I wanted time to reread and make sure it sounded okay and was grammatically correct and all. I have done a bit of research for this, both learning about ptsd from a clinical viewpoint and also people's personal experiences with symptoms (anxiety i've mostly pulled from my own life but I did still look it up), but I don't have any specific source to cite. Anyway, I really really hope you enjoy this short little chapter and I hope it doesn't feel out of character!

_ Smile, Arya, smile.  _ Arya closed her eyes.  _ He’s coming back, Gendry’s coming back, this is happy. _ Gendry was returning to Winterfell after staying a year in Cape Wrath because Ser Davos fell ill. Now that Davos was better and Marya didn’t need help taking care of him, Gendry was returning to Winterfell. He was returning to her.

“My lady?” Cass asked, poking her head through the doorway. “Lady Stark wishes to inform you that Ser Gendry of the Hollow Hill will be arriving soon,”

“Thank you, Cass,” Arya said, nodding for her to leave.  _ Go, go, go. Just go outside and be happy, this is a happy thing, this is a happy day, you should feel happy.  _ She thought, looking out at the darkness through her window.

As Arya stepped outside her door, she froze. The hallways were lined with blazing torches that seemed like they were screaming at her.  _ Breathe, breathe, breathe, I can’t fucking breathe, this is so stupid, I can’t do this.  _ She thought, digging her nails into her palms. Arya squeezed her eyes shut and looked down, trying to block out all light. Blindly, Arya walked through the halls of Winterfell, having already known the halls from her childhood and how to walk blind from the Faceless Men.

“Arry?” Gendry asked, dismounting. She smiled and they ran towards each other to embrace. Gendry didn’t notice how her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“I missed you,” Arya said truthfully.  _ I wish you didn’t leave.  _ She thought.  _ I knew you had to, I just, I don’t know if I can do this without you. I love you and I don’t want to be selfish, but it’s just so hard to get out of bed, to look forward to anything. But you’re here.  _ Arya took a deep breath.  _ You’re here and I’m happy, even if it’s hard to look like it. I should feel happy, I should be sp fucking happy to be in your arms again. Why don’t I feel happy? He’s happy, I should be happy. Why can’t I feel anything? _

“I missed you too,” He said, holding her tightly. Arya took a deep breath and a slight, but genuine smile reached her lips. Gendry was here, and that was something to look forward to. Arya had something to look forward to. And that was enough. She had time to learn how to be happy, how to be a different Arya Stark than from her childhood. She had time, with her family.

“I love you,” Arya said, releasing herself from the hug to look into his eyes. She cupped his face in her hands.  _ Why can’t I just love you and everything else can go to hell?  _ She thought.

“I love you too,” He kissed her softly and they walked back into Winterfell hand in hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know I totally wrote all 4 chapters but it felt like a weird transition since the last chapter is a flash forward into a happy, fluffy future. So I made a 4th chapter that's a bit longer (a little less than 2000 words). But now that I've started exploring the coping/healing process, I'm not sure if I want to make this into a longer series, maybe idk? Please let me know, I'm so indecisive! Thank you so so much for reading, the feedback has been so encouraging, you're all so sweet, I hope you liked this chapter!


	4. just tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arya struggles with getting out of bed. Gendry comforts her and convinces her to sleep in with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's the little unplanned chapter! Hope you like it, it's a bit longer (not that long tho), and I had a lot of fun writing this one!

_Get out of bed. There’s a council, you need to get out of bed. But they don’t really need me at the council, it’s not like I have a job to do right now. But I have to get out of bed. If I don’t get out of bed now, then I won’t be able to all day, which means I won’t eat or spar or do anything. If I don’t eat I’m going to feel awful, but if I eat, I’m going to feel awful. If I go to the courtyard and spar with Brienne and Pod, I’m going to be tired, and not be able to get out of bed tomorrow._ Arya thought, sitting up and looking around her chambers. _But I have to get out of bed._

“Hey, you’re awake, “ Gendry said, sitting up next to her and planting a kiss on her cheek.

“Yeah,” Arya said, looking away from him.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine, just tired,” Arya lied. _I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of having to open that door and walking into a hallway full of torches. I’m tired of not being able to light my fireplace and suffering in this fucking freezing room. I’m tired of not being able to sit in silence without hearing their screams in my head. I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of nightmares. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of not sleeping. I’m just so fucking tired of this!_ She screamed in her head, trying desperately to drown out all the other voices in her head.

“Okay, come lie down again, we can sleep in together,” Gendry said, resting his head on the pillow. _He’s so cute._ She thought, almost smiling. _I wish we could do that._

“But there’s a council,”

“You _always_ say you have nothing to do in those, and Sansa won’t care if you miss one,” He said, patting the pillow beside him and looking at her with a pleading smile.

“Okay,” Arya agreed, lying back down, and Gendry wrapped his arms around her as she snuggled in close to him. Tap. Tap. Tap. Someone walked down the hall. Arya’s heartbeat quickened instinctively. TAP. TAP. TAP. “Do you hear that?”

“Shh, you’re okay,” Gendry assured her. STOMP. STOMP. STOMP. _It’s too loud. It’s too loud. Everything’s too loud. I can hear everything. Why is my heart beating so fast? Why are so many people walking and talking and stomping? Why can’t everything just shut the fuck up? It’s so fucking loud!_ Arya thought, starting to hyperventilate. “Hey, hey, are you feeling okay?”

“I’m just feeling a bit uneasy, that’s all,” Arya said. _Something’s wrong. Something has to be wrong, with you, with me, or something. Something is wrong here._ She thought frantically.

“Are you sure? Do you want to see Maester Wolkan?” He asked, gently running his hand through her hair.

“I’m fine, Gendry,” She said. _I’m not fine. I’m not okay. Something is wrong with this. Something is wrong with me._ Arya thought.

“Okay,” He said, closing his eyes again.

“Mhm,” Arya mumbled, drifting off, half-asleep.

 _I’m not safe here. I’m not safe. I’m not safe. I can hear the explosions. We have to run. We have to GO!_ Arya opened her eyes to see her body shaking, covered with sweat. _It’s all too much._ Arya sobbed silently.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong? Was it a nightmare?”

“I can’t handle it, I can’t—” Arya choked. “I don’t want to do anything today. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I don’t want to, Gendry, I can’t.” She buried her face in his chest and he hugged her tightly.

“Shh, you’ll be okay, you’ll make it through this, you’re the strongest person I know, Arya,” He said. _I don’t feel strong._ She thought.

“It’s just too much right now,”

“I know, I know,”

“Why does it make me feel so shitty?” Arya sobbed into his shirt, and Gendry felt himself tearing up, seeing her feel so awful and all. “I just, it’s...I mean, maybe I’m making it all up, it couldn’t have actually been that bad, I mean King’s Landing is in perfect shape now, and I didn’t really get hurt or anything,”

“No, Arya, never say that. I saw that place after it was partially rebuilt, and it was fucking massacred, Jon said the place was littered with burnt bodies. It was horrible, it’s perfectly normal to feel shitty after something like that,” Gendry said. “I know, it wasn’t as horrible as King’s Landing and the Army of the Dead, but after my mum died I felt numb. The only reason I did _anything_ was because I somehow got that apprenticeship with Mott. And after what happened with that red witch, I was terrified when women tried to seduce me or when I ever walked into those taverns, I could still feel what she did to me sitting at those tables,”

“Hey, don’t say that it wasn’t bad enough, that was horrible for you. Just because millions didn’t die doesn’t mean it wasn’t traumatizing for you,” Arya said after calming down a bit. She could breathe, she was still crying, but breathing was nice too. _Maybe he does understand me._ Arya almost smiled at the thought. _Maybe I’m not so strange after all._

“You know you should listen to yourself sometimes,” Gendry said, kissing the top of her head. _It doesn’t work that way._ Arya said to herself. She appreciated everything he was doing for her, she loved Gendry for comforting her and being there for her. But Arya knew those feelings and fears wouldn’t go away overnight, she’d seen what happened to Sandor, he was afraid his whole life. _I can’t just tell these feelings to go away. I can’t just tell my stomach it needs to eat. I can’t just tell my heart to beat normally. I can’t just tell my lungs to breathe._ _A pep talk won’t make the horrors go away. It doesn’t work that way._

“Yeah,” Arya brushed him off. _I feel empty. Like I left part of my chest, my insides, in King’s Landing and in the rubble of Winterfell. Like part of me died that night the dead chased me through the corridors and the day the so-called savior burned everyone and everything she could and called it ‘liberation.’_ She thought. _I feel empty where I’m supposed to be able to feel._

“You won’t feel better overnight, or even in a fortnight. But there’s always a little something good to look forward to, even if it’s just something like lemon cakes, but that’s your sister,” Gendry said, still holding her tightly in his arms. _There’s always something to look forward to. What do I have to look forward to? I love my family, Gendry included, but I just don’t want to be here anymore. But, at the same time, I don’t want to not be here because I love my family and Winterfell and don’t want to be anyone but Arya, if I even know how to be her anymore. I just don’t want to deal with this shit, it’s so exhausting._ Arya sighed, exhausted but alive. She took a deep breath, listening to Gendry’s steady breathing and feeling the warmth of his arms around her. _But today, it can’t be that bad. I don’t have anything to do, I can sleep in with Gendry._ Arya smiled tiredly. _I think I can handle today._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the bit of gendrya fluff, I wanted to add a little bit of happiness. I'm still not sure whether to end it here, and post the flash forward into the future epilogue type chapter, and that's how it ends. Or to continue the story from here and end it further into the future. I liked the hopefulness at the end of this chapter, but I could still explore more with her coping/healing and a bit more fluff and family interactions. Please let me know which you'd prefer, I really hope you enjoyed reading this chapter, thank you so so much for reading!


	5. the pack survives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flash forward many years into the future, Arya and Gendry are at home in Winterfell with their three children, Shireen, Matthos, and Cassandra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! Final chapter! This one is more dialogue heavy than the others which had a lot more internal monlogue/thoughts, but I still hope you like it. This is just one of my many headcanons for their children, in my character sheet (where i more fully developed each kid) all of the children know basic fighting, but only Shireen and Cassie are fighters. Shireen becomes a knight, she has black hair and grey eyes, is very protective and extroverted, and ends up chilling with Cassie in WF. Matthos becomes an advisor, he has black hair and blue eyes, he's basically the original Shireen's personality, but he is stubborn just like his parents. Cassie becomes Queen in the North, she has brown hair and grey eyes, she's a leader and a swordsman, but she's also a politician and likes dresses some of the time like Sansa and Margaery, she's basically like Lyanna Mormont. Anyway, those are my little headcanons for this, I really hope you enjoy reading this final chapter!

“Mum! Look at the wooden swords Papa made! I named mine Onion, like the Onion Knight!” Shireen said, swinging them around wildly.

“Hey! Not near Cassie,” Arya said, gently rocking baby Cassandra in her arms.

“Sorry, mum,” Shireen said, looking down.

“It’s okay,”

“Will you teach me how to water dance? Now that I have a sword of my own?” Shireen’s eyes lit up. “Please?”

“Not today, sweetie,” Arya said and Shireen frowned. “Did you show Matthos? I think he’s in the library with Davos.”

“Not yet. Will you come watch us? Can we play outside?”

“It’s much too dark outside right now, Shireen. You two can play tomorrow.”

“But Mum!” Shireen whined, and Arya sighed in defeat.

“Fine, you two can play here, by the fireplace. I’ll light more candles, just don’t knock them over,” She said firmly.

“Okay!” Shireen dashed out the door, yelling for her brother. “MATTHOS!” Arya laughed quietly to herself, and grabbed a few candles, quickly lighting them. The fire on the candles danced and flickered by her fingertips, and she smiled, the roaring fireplace behind her. When she looked at the candles, all Arya thought of was Sandor. Not fear or death or destruction, but how he cared and protected her. Arya missed him, just as she missed so many other loved ones she had lost, her father, her mother, Robb, Theon, Rickon, Uncle Benjen, Ser Rodrick, Maester Luwin, Lommy, Yoren, Syrio, and so many others. _“The lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.”_ Arya reminded herself. _I have my pack right here in Winterfell. And Sansa makes the kindest aunt in the world. Shireen and Matthos and little Cassie won’t grow up feeling restricted or in danger, they’ll be able to be children, they won’t have to grow up before it’s time. Not like we had to._

“Hey, did you see the swords I made for them?” Gendry said, looking proud of himself. The smile on Shireen’s face when he handed them to her had made his day. _She’s just like her mother._ He thought.

“Yes, Shireen seems excited,” Arya said, smiling. “I’m letting them play in our bedroom, I hope you didn’t need sleep tonight,”

“That’s perfectly fine with me,” Gendry gently kissed Arya’s and Cassie’s foreheads, making Arya blush.

“I love you,” She said, resting her head on him.

“I love you too,” He said.

“HEY, THIS ONE’S MINE!” Shireen yelled from down the hall.

“NO FAIR!” Matthos yelled back.

“MUM KILLED THE NIGHT KING AND SHE SAID THIS ONE’S MINE!”

“DID NOT!”

“DID TOO!” Shireen yelled, and Arya and Gendry laughed. She smiled genuinely at him, the candlelight softly dancing on her face. Arya couldn’t think of anywhere else she’d rather be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hoped you liked this chapter and little happy ending I wrote for them. It's been really interesting exploring Arya's struggle, but it was also really fun to write this silly and light happy ending for her and Gendry. Thank you all so much for reading and for your feedback, it has been so nice to know that people actually liked my random idea to have Arya experience this PTSD and survivor's guilt and everything. I only really used to write fluff, but I might actually consider writing another fic with a similar tone to this one. Thank you all so much, I really hope you liked how I ended their story!

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is depressing but I promise you a happy ending and a gendrya happy ending! I hope you liked this chapter, next one should be up soon since I totally wrote the entire fic in one day!


End file.
